Feelings
by Aida Caroti
Summary: POV'S on the teams reaction to Alex getting shot...'I waited for the Plod's to arrive, for the cold metal against my skin, to be lead away to rot in prison with the guilt following me like a black cloud that I was responsible.'
1. Gene's POV

**Gene's Pov- Feelings**

I didn't mean it. It was an accident, one of those events that take a second, but are regretted for a lifetime. I would never have shot you- I mean I did shoot you- but never with malice, it wasn't intended.

Bolly, I think my heart broke when you fell to the ground, with that gorgeous white coat that has given me the horn more often than not, splattered red with your blood. I saw you looking at me, eye's wide with fear, I knew then what a mistake I had made in trusting her word over yours. I should have listened to Ray, he trusted you. I should have too. It terrified me that look on your face, one of fear, surprise and calmness.

You were never terrified, you were-are my brave, ballsy DI that pranced around my kingdom giving me a headache with those mad theories of yours and a body to cause a distraction. The best police officer I had ever met, with knowledge and courage to rival Sam. You helped me when I was grieving for him; I never said how much I missed him. When he left there was a huge gapping hole inside of me, and no matter how proud I was of Ray and Chris it just wouldn't fill.

Then you turned up, wearing a skirt short enough to see your breakfast and that hole slowly filled up in the evenings at Luigi's nursing a whisky talking about anything and it's uncle, I suppose I saw a little bit of him in you, the way your eyes sparkle and I know your about to laugh or the way you're the only one brave enough to stand up to me.

I watched you as you closed your eyes and the rest of the team joined me, when I think back to that second I think why didn't I move? I've cradled injured and dying people more times than I can count, bleedin 'ell I even cradled a dying man that _I _shot. But why didn't I hold you? Why didn't I whisper it would be all right when you could still hear me? I suppose I was scared, scared that you'd be angry with me or worse that you would cry. I was scared to see the blood, to watch you fade away and know that I had done it. I'm a coward.

I stood there gun held loosely in hand, as Ray dropped to the ground beside you, as Shaz ran for help. I watched the glares I received and felt a lump rise in my throat, my team were more loyal to you than to me, they connected to you and you understood them whereas I was always individual to my team at the front and alone, so alone. They thought I had tried to murder you, shot you in cold blood, they turned their self's away from me pushed me away.

I waited for the Plod's to arrive, for the cold metal against my skin, to be lead away to rot in prison with the guilt following me like a black cloud that I was responsible.

'She's alive' Chris suddenly yelled and I looked up from my state of pity, shock and blame. My gun dropped to the floor with a clang and I roughly shoved Ray out of the way. I rushed to your side and pulled you towards me clutching and rocking you, holding my hands against the bleeding to steady the flow. I cradled you like I had all the others but I felt a sensation I wasn't accustomed to; desperation. I begged, pleaded, shouted at you to wake up but you just laid there unmoving, pale and lifeless.

The ambulance crew came and took you away from me, carted you into the ambulance. I turned and walked away. I had to run. To escape. I'm on the bloody lav here Alex, so you better wake up, my stomach won't unknot until you do. Prison doesn't suit me Bol's I need you to wake up so I can apologise, to tell you everything, so I can find out the truth about you, about that tape, Summers and Me. Come back to me, us Bols


	2. Ray's POV

**Ray's Pov.**

He shot her. And now she's lying, dying on the hard concrete floor, which her blood is slowly staining red. I never told her how much she changed me- I never would- I aint no pansy like Chris. But she did, she changed me and the force with her up-tight posh, annoying ways. Without her I would have plodded along kicking in door's, and beating up nonces. See after Sam died we fell back to our old way's, starting up the bad habits he'd abolished, it was easier that way, then we didn't see a reminder of Sam everywhere we went. Loud, argumentative and frustrating you could call her but then you could also say that she was honest, brave and caring. She treated us like a family and made us work together. She trusted us and treated us with respect, not like a bit of dirt on her shoe. She gave us responsibility. She trusted us, she trusted_ him._

I drop to the floor and scrabble for a pulse, weak but there. I sigh in momentarily with relief before my stomach knotted again in fear as I see how much blood is flowing from beneath her jacket.

'Give me you coat' I demanded Chris he nodded dumbly before handing me his denim jacket. He sat next her, obviously offering his support trying to help me in any way possible, he was a Twonk but he was more caring and considerate than I have ever been. At least _he_ was helping whereas him my _Guv _stood there gun still in hand. Fury I have never felt before tore at my insides I wanted to beat destroy that man who towered above us like he always did, treating me like a insolent child. I wanted to hurt him but one thing kept me kneeling, her head lent across my lap, fluffy curls spread across me. I pressed the jacket further onto her stomach and watched in sick fascination as it slowly turned a bloody red. I cradled her like a child and a doll, her body a dead weight against mine. I was pulled out of my reverie by Chris who shouted 'She's alive!' He shouted it so with ecstasy, like now she would be alright, that our mam would survive. I hoped he was right, that she would survive to yell another day, to force political correctness down our throats, but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

I was roughly pushed aside by _him_, the man who shot her, the man that was responsible for the blood on my hands and the blood that stained the grounds. For one second I wondered if he was going to finish the job he started, to kill her now but instead he held her against his chest clutching the now bloody rag against her wound and sobbing into her hair. It was one of those moments when you realise that you could have been wrong and my Guv could be innocent. He cried apologies into her hair but that did nothing to calm the dragon of rage inside my chest and after she was bugled into an ambulance and he _walked away_ left us without an explanation without a word I glanced at Chris and he nodded we walked slowly to my car and drove in silence to the hospital. _DCI Hunt_ said she couldn't be trusted, but he shot her, he left us why? Why if he wasn't innocent? I didn't know but I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep easy until I had solved this crime and Alex has woken up, only then will we find the truth.


	3. Shaz's POV

**Shaz's**

We just stood there and I watched as my; hero, idol, guardian angel, fell to the ground and just lay there, unmoving and staring back at us. Her gaze was so piercing that I felt I must look away – but nothing could make me turn away I needed to see, like a force was making me watch her final waking moments, it tore up my very soul.

There was a look of utmost fear on her beautiful features as if she knew something that we didn't, as if she had worked it all out. Well that wouldn't surprise me she always had the answers.

I did nothing as her eyes slowly closed. I was too shocked, too scared and I didn't want to hold her hand as she slipped away- making promises I couldn't keep- as she left us.

But then reality hit me like a ton of bricks, I had to help, I had to make a difference. Standing here wouldn't help and I felt helpless. I've never liked feeling helpless ever since I was a small girl and things outside my control tore apart my life. I joined the police to make a difference, to help so I wouldn't ever feel like that again- and damn it if that was going to change now.

The guilt of doing nothing was eating at my insides so I ran, feet pounding on the hard concrete floor. Left foot, right foot. One after the other; keep going, get help and then you'll feel useful, you helped and you made a difference.

I ran blindly down the street, my dress bunching below my knees, a small trickle on sweat running down my forehead. My lungs screamed in protest, struggling to keep breathing, but I ignored everything but my destination and purpose and carried on knowing that each drop of sweat, every jolt of pain was to save the best D.I I had ever met, to save my friend.

She's like a children's show, she is. Full of life with a vibrant personality and when you tune in each morning it put's you in a brilliant mood for the day. But she is also like a children's program because each smile, yells forced, each giggle of laughter doesn't seem genuine and there's a dark shadow behind her eye's and I know that she wants to be elsewhere- that she belongs elsewhere. Her smiles never seem to reach her eyes- except when she's with him.

I may be an Essex girl, but I'm not stupid- in fact I'm more in tune with people's feelings than Ray and Chris will ever be. I suppose I can read people- a female intuition you could call it, I know that the Guv loves her and that she loves him. That's why I know deep down in my gut that he didn't mean to do this, the threat he made yesterday wouldn't have been carried out. It was on the spur of the moment-a bitter and angry shout from a man who didn't know up from down anymore. This isn't the first time he's said it! He loves her and he would gladly die for her. So I'm going to wait for an explanation, for him to tell us what made him pull that blasted trigger, what his reason was? It better be a good one. He can't have done this, he just can't.

My dress tears as I run, my heart patterned tights snagging on buildings and bushes, but I don't care, she needs to be at our wedding, to make some daft speech that warms all of our hearts- there is no way I'm letting the Guv say anything, he's not so good with words. I will make sure she gets there.

I've only been running for a minute but it feels like an age and I realise that no matter how fast I run it won't be quick enough, I'll still feel like if I'd run just a little bit faster everything would have turned out better. I don't even know what's happening, whether or not she is still alive. Don't think that! She is I know she is, she's a fighter, she fought to save me and I'll do all I can to fight to save her like she is going to fight to save herself, I believe in her even if the Guv has given up. I know she is strong enough to fight this measly bullet.

I round the bend and dash into the nearest pub, as I bang the door open the customers turn to gape at me. For a second I wonder why, before I remember I must look like a scarecrow wearing a torn and battered wedding dress, frazzled hair and makeup that has probably run down my face.

'Can I help you Miss?' The Barmaid asks, eyeing my dress with confusion and disgust.

'A phone, I need a phone' I reply franticly, my voice hoarse from my fast run.

'It's here' she replied gesturing to the cream phone on the side 'May I ask why?'

I didn't reply, I had no time for chit-chat my boss could be dying any moment. I just picked up the phone and dialled 999 with shaking adrenaline pumped fingers.

'Ambulance' I say quickly ignoring the fact that the barmaid was trying to listen to my conversation. 'Detective Inspector Alex Drake has just been shot…'


	4. Chris's POV

The boss had been shot and it all was pointing to our Guv.

But he wouldn't do that, would he?

I know my guv, I know him. He would never have shot the boss on purpose he would never have... he likes her in his own messed up way. She irriates him, she angers him but he would never kill her.

Those words were an empty threat, we all knew that.

But Ray looks like he believes the Guv did it and I don't know what to think. Not any more. The Guv could have handed me in, I had betrayed them all but he didn't he gave me a second chance, he believed in me. He believed that I could do the right thing next time, he trusted in me and so I trusted in him.

He would never harm Drake. He could never harm Drake he cares for her too much and we can all see it. He doesn't love her but she his closest friend- his equal. Very much like Sam was.

That's why I know he didn't do it, her blood stains the floor and our clothes but I know, I know he didn't do it. He had lost Sam and it nearly killed him. He wouldn't lose her as well.

I look around desperately, she's going to die. I can feel it, there is too much blood on the floor and on us, too much for her to live- surely. At least when Sam had died there had been no blood, no suffering. He had been here and then he had gone.

But she's choking on her blood and struggling to breath. Her chest is growing still and I fear she's already dead.

There is nothing we can do, not really. Except hope she is strong enough.

My hands have never been covered in blood before but the blood dries and stiffens, every flex of my hand reminding me of the red brown stain of life covering my hands. Its hard not to puke.

The smell of blood is something I had never been able to stand but when it's someone you know it somehow makes it ten times worse.

The Guv couldn't have done this. I know he didn't.

He had my trust and I would follow him to the ends of the earth.

A/N Yeah it's really short but I saw it and I thought I just want to finish it so it's complete. Anyway, Ashes to Ashes has been over a long time but it is still a show that is close to my eyes, especially certain characters. There are people from the fandom who I doubt I would have ever truly got into this writing lark without, so thanks.


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